As he lays by me, I feel his heart beating.
His scent captures all my senses and I feel alive.
The clouds tell me to run, but my body is paralysed,
Like a magnet trapping a fragile needle in its force,
Crushing, refusing to let go.
The city at night envelops us in its embrace,
I feel safe and so does he. Bare in the moonlight,
He shows me his soul and I am falling of this
Treacherous bridge, I drown in his eyes,
I am sinking, and as he blinks,
I am gone…
It’s been two years since I have been on this page. Two years I guess since I have been inspired. It is actually a little funny, because I think I stopped feeling inspired when I started my job. It drained any creative juice I had in my body. All my passions and desires were pushed to an obscure, dark and forgotten part in my mind. I became comfortable, the most frightening and now as I have realised, dangerous feeling there is. That comfort in the routine became my downfall, and I was stuck. For two years I was stuck.
The worst part I think, was knowing that it was all my doing. That I lacked motivation, drive, and the need to move forward, to grow. The anxiety became too much, the constant fear of change, of the unknown, paralysed me. I would be lying if I said this still did not affect me to this day. People say it is so easy to take that leap, but I know it’s not.
Anyway, I have decided to take this blog in a different direction, to focus more on the positives in my life. The things that make me curious, make me laugh, happy, angry and all the different emotions that make us alive. I am now ready to live…
I never enjoy anything.
I’m always waiting for whatever’s next.
I think everyone’s like that…
living life in fast forward
never stopping to enjoy the moment
too busy turn to rush through everything
so we can get on what we’re really supposed to be doing with our lives.
I get these flashes of clarity, brilliant clarity,
where, for a second I stop and I think,
wait, this is it, this is my life.
I better slow down and enjoy it
because one day we’re all gonna end up in the ground
and that will be it, we’ll be gone.
– Samantha (Stuck in Love)
Now one of my most favourite movies, it is so beautifully written and has this honesty to life that takes my breath away. Another line that struck my very core was when Greg Kinnear’s character says to his son:
Rusty, a writer is the sum of their experiences.
Go get some…
And that is when I had my brilliant moment of clarity, I am taking a second to stop and think. I need to take my leap and live this short existence I have on this earth. I am letting go of fear, and just going to…enjoy life. No regrets, right. Maybe then I will find my literary voice more clearly.
It is a constant in my life, I can be staring into nothing and be swept away by this flow of thought and understanding to what is beautiful and worthwhile in this life, but when I try to focus fully on that source of inspiration and clarity, it becomes a faint whisper that loses itself in the unfocused world that I live in. I have so much in me that I know is worth showing to the world. But my biggest enemy is the fear of rejection and judgement when taking that leap to experience the highs and lows of life. But I know that it is these highs and lows that shape us as writers, in a positive way.
So I need to jump off this high fence I am on right now. In the precipice of something great and unknown on one side, and the comforts of the life I am living on the other. And no one puts this better than the inspirational John Green in his wonderful novel Looking for Alaska:
Before I got here, I thought that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it didn’t exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in the back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home. But that only led to a lonely life accompanied by the last words of the already dead, so I came here looking for a Great Perhaps, for real friends and a more-than-minor life.
Like many times previously, last week I had a horrible case of writers block. All week while I worked and when I was home or out, I was trying to think of what I could possibly write on here. And I got nada. I think my biggest barrier is that I don’t really have a life, it’s pathetic, I know. But I feel that because I am currently just existing, between my job and home, I am never out in the world to experience everything this beautiful city has to offer me. And then it hit me! Why not talk about this city, the one that brought me salvation, the one that is now part of my soul and love so very much.
I would have to say that the majority of Londoner hate London. It can be seen in their faces, like a big neon sign is stuck to their head. They hate the traffic, crowded trains and delays, the rush to get from point A to B. These things become the sole focus, I see it every morning when I am on the train on my way to work. And I will even admit to sometimes being one of those people agitated by being slowed down from getting from home to work. But as soon as I leave the train station and take in all the beauty of central London in the morning, I know that I could never just walk from A to B without feeling happy to be in my surroundings.
And I don’t just mean the sights that every tourist comes to this city to admire. I mean the small alleys and shortcuts that you take which reveals part of the city you have not seen. It’s so vast and full of life in every corner. You just have to go looking for it. Some roads you enter reminds you of Regency England and I am transported back to my favourite period of English history. You walk down the roads where people like Willkie Collins, Christina Rossetti and Samuel L. Coleridge. It’s truly magical. I feel blessed to call it home. And even in the nitty-gritty parts of London, there is character and in years to come they become part of the history of this wonderfully diverse metropolis.
I loved my city, and I think I always would. It was the place that brought me hope in bettering myself as a human being. It is full of knowledge and experiences that help you grow as a human being. In every alley and corner there is something new to discover, something to learn and something to appreciate. If anyone ever wants or gets a chance to visit, do. It is a place when explored properly, and I don’t just mean the tourist attractions but letting it take you to places you don’t even know exist in its heart, will teach you so much about life present and past in London, but also opens the possibilities in your life.
With a small glimpse into the lives of the people who became who they are or were because of this city, you know that you need the good and the bad to shape you into a human being that can understand hardship and beauty can co-exist, but you always have the ability in a place like this to change the routes from A to B in your life easily. To bring change to your life. In a place like London, the possibilities are endless, and I cannot wait to see where it takes me.
Day off from work and all I want to do is write. But again I am not feeling too inspired, I feel drained and am looking forward to the next few days that I am off work to relax and catch up on much needed sleep and Netflix.
I can feel a storm brewing, it seems to be chasing me, and preparing to take my life out of focus. But the crazy part is, I am not frightened by that prospect, rather the idea of the unknown excites me, and it has never been clearer to me than now that this is a fundamental force that is given to us as humans. It is a gift. Changes can be messy and destructive like a Hurricane, but when it is over, you are able to rebuild, and build it one hundred times more ambitious to the one that you became comfortable with. The new equals danger, and even when you fall, the world you have rebuild has a softer ground to the one before, preventing great damage.
Staying in your comfort zone is dangerous, it can swallow you whole and when you finally escape, your life has already passed by. Your dreams were nothing but dreams, and life has become an almighty stranger. But my problem is that I don’t know how to escape my comfort zone. They are sometimes a necessity, the only foreseeable option to live for the present, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Whether it is because of money or health, sometimes we don’t have to option to escape the cages of comfort.
Maybe we sometimes need a hurricane to come and force down these cages and restrictions in our lives. I guess we need to be emotionally stable to survive such disruption in our lives. I know I’m ready, I am sick of the routine my life has become, and I don’t mean with work, but in my personal life. That is were I feel I am drowning. Fear of pain is holding me back, and I need an almighty storm to completely wash away those fears. And I am ready, ready for the next adventure, ready to look for it myself because I know I won’t find it unless I look for it. It is escaping those foundations that is the hardest, but with the help of something as strong as a hurricane building in my heart, I know I will be ready to leap, and find that the ground is much softer than what I originally feared it to be.
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” – Vivian Greene
Its been more that two weeks since I last posted on this blog and I feel terrible. It is not from not wanting to, well not really, the first week I had a massive writers block. I was back in the place, were all my creative juices had dried out, and nothing I thought of writing about really took of on the page. I decided to take a little break and pick up the week after, but the unexpected happened… I finally got a job!! I cannot describe how great to feel the ground stabilise and have a small income to start to support myself. And so the blog was completely forgotten as, I was needed and would come back to drained to want to write anything. Thankfully it is part-time so I will from now on have days of were I can do what I love the most, read and write. The days will not be set in stone but every week I will aim to write something that has affected my day or week, a thought or an idea that I want to share in with this world.
This week, it is dreams. Our aspirations, and what drives us forward in life as the goals that we want to achieve that one day will make us happy. I guess I got inspired by my recent entrance to the working world. While I am ecstatic to have a job, and one that I know I enjoy, it is not my dream job. I don’t see my life in the next 10 years being part of the retail job. I don’t want to be a person who reaches stability and forgets about their dreams. But what is my dream? My dream is to one day be part of a team whose work is to read the many pieces of literary art that enters a publishing house, and it would be my job to not only read it but share it with the rest of the world. Writing is the greatest form of expression, it is something that takes us from this world to a completely new one, and I am obsessed with it. With this free time I have, I am not going to sit on my ass because I think I have earned my right to lie and do nothing. No! Rather I will not give up looking for the one break that will give me the fortunate opportunity to enter the world were the wonders of literature is shared with the world.
This is going to be a short one, but sometimes, what needs to be said can be said in less than 600 words. So my final bit to you all, is never to give up on your dreams. Let them burn in your heart, for the hope of achieving them is endless. Like I said to a very dear friend of mine who was losing hope in her life, of finding happiness and achieving her dreams and desires:
We are all bright shinning stars, that incinerate anything that try to burn us out. Don’t ever feel hopeless and don’t ever give up on your dreams.