Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeoninga of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears looms but the horror of the shade, and yet the menace of the years finds, shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. – Invictus
As a girl, something that can influence the way I feel is definitely the state of my hair. Having really curly hair, I think it is fair to say that my hair can reach a point of unmanageable mess that not only makes me look like a homeless person, but also causes unimaginable physical pain when I try to control it. As a result, I had resigned myself to the pain of constantly loosing hair as I brushed it; I had accepted that I would probably go bald with all the hair I would pull out over my lifetime. Anyway, so I was in mayor need of buying a new hairbrush when a friend pointed out this brush called “TANGLE TEEZER” by Shaun P, and it claimed to be able to untangle hair with no pain or damage to your hair, and I could not believe it! But my friend pointed out that I could lose nothing by just trying it, and so I took the plunge and it sure was worth it. I never thought I would do product placements in this Blog, but I just have to! Not only did it untangle my hair in no time, it also was pain free! So this goes out to everyone that suffered from similar issues as me. It is definitely worth the money, and now brushing my hair is no longer a chore, but rather a luxury.
In other news, I was reading an article online the other day about online relationships now being more authentic and genuine than real relationships, and this really interested me. Being a child of the 90s, it is crazy how quickly technology has not only grown but taken over our daily lives. I remember good old dial-up internet, that you would lose connection if someone used the phone, ha! I would always scream at my mum for doing that when I was in the middle of what I used to consider the most amazing games on good old AOL. Wow, I feel really old!
With technology evolving constantly and become faster and more efficient, it seems that we are never satisfied and we always want more and want it faster. It seems that this is also applying to human interaction. Now we seem to have become so lazy, that we are now using the internet and our smartphones as a way of meeting people rather than getting off our butts and getting out there. I have never really been one to be obsessed with my phone, maybe it’s because I don’t have the best phone, and it really annoys me when I’m spending time with friends and even while they are talking to me they are on their phones! It has taken over our lives, now it isn’t important to give the person you are with your undivided attention but rather the person on a small screen, tut, what has this world come to? Call me old fashioned, but I much prefer meeting someone in real life, than through a small screen, it seems that most relationships now days are stemming from Facebook or an online dating site.
Recently I decided to read Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I had fallen in love with the adaptation he directed and really wanted to fully experience Charlie’s words, which we only glimpse in the movie. I posted a while back:
“I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening, I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.”
I have never heard words that rang so true, they touched me so much I put them on a note on my laptop, so I would read them every day, and aim to feel like that one day, to feel “infinite”. Although this whole monologue is not in the book and was added to the script of the movie, with the knowledge that the movie was adapted directly by Stephen, I knew it was as good as reading the book, and I found it so moving that I needed to read the book and fully experience the beautiful mind that is Charlie. The book was wonderful, so raw and full of life, a truly breath-taking exploration into the mind of an innocent soul which is scared and its journey to finding peace. I see a lot of myself in Charlie; emotional, observant, and this unexplainable need to please the people you most care about. However I am beginning to question the validity of the latter, whether it is worth giving your all to a human being, to then be swiftly put aside when you lose your purpose in their lives? I have had this happen to me many times, I guess I must attract these kinds of people. I am all or nothing. It’s a gift, but also a curse. When I give my heart to a friend, I give it all; unconditionally. But most of the times, if not all the time, I have never been given it back, and that’s where you get hurt. When you give so much of yourself to being the best friend you can be for that person, and never receiving the same courtesy, it hurts. It hurts so much, it can make you cry or mad, like Charlie. But what I do admire of Charlie, his faith and love in people, something I think I have recently lost.
I have had more than enough time to think about this lately, I have memorised every curve and shadow in my small room in my university flat, the small room becomes claustrophobic with my swarming thoughts, and the overthinking begins. Maybe I’m just scared. Maybe I’m just using small instances to create a shield, a protection against betrayal. I think like Charlie, I live inside my head, I overthink everything, and everything in my life is something I need to be cautious with. And at the top of this is my friendships, I am constantly questioning the validity of my friendships and whether they truly care for me. I guess I don’t believe them most of the times. I am afraid of being abandoned, of being forgotten and so I push them away in hopes that they instigate it soon enough that the pain will be minimal. But in the process I am shooting myself in the back of the head. I guess I need to learn to start again to stay hopeful, going back to the carefree feeling of when it all started, and maybe one of them will pay off. I mean, it did for Charlie, right?
Actually, this whole blog and Stephen Chbosky’s novel has inspired me to set myself a goal, like Charlie did, something to fix:
Goal 1: To stop OVER-THINKING everything, and let life take me where it will.
This is I think my one BIG goal, something that I will have to work on for the rest of my life. It is part of my foundation, an integral part of my personality. Although it is a flaw, take it out too quickly and the whole structure collapses, I don’t know what will be left. So instead, I must aim to replace it with being carefree, with free falling and not being afraid of falling on my face, you can always pick yourself up. The fall won’t kill me, I hope.
There are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17; I know these will all be stories someday, and our pictures will become old photographs. We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad.
But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening, I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.
Charlie – The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I had decided that when I started this page I was going to post every Monday, last week was a massive FAIL as I did not feel inspired. I had been cooped up in my flat all week and had no form of inspiration. It was also snowing, and I could have talked about the hilarity of how everything in England goes to a stand-still after a little snow. I find it really funny that a city such as London, which is vast and modern, is incapable of adjusting to a little snow. However, having said this I can appreciate the perks of a little snow. I remember when I was in school; waking up to the sight of snow and being so happy because I knew it meant no school. When I see all the kids playing in the snow it makes me want to be 11 again. But apart from the snow, my week was very uneventful and left my creativity stifled.
I am still unsure on what exactly it is I wish to post on this page but I guess I’m just going to go with the flow and see where my thoughts wish to take me. I have been really unwell in the last couple of days and spent most of my Saturday in bed. As I lay there feeling sorry for myself ‘Happy’ by Leona Lewis came on and I started to think of what makes a person truly happy; wealth, success, popularity, love? I then started to try and find if I had any of these in my own life, I realised that I have not achieved any of these goals yet. However, right now in my life I’m content, I am coping with the trials and tribulations of life but then you do most of your life. I would love to meet the man or woman who proclaims to be the happiest person alive; I would love to know what their secret is.
Anyway, when you are ill you are left with so much time that all you can really do is think, and I started to see that I am not happy because of my self-image. I am allowing things and people around me to dictate my happiness! This revelation made me mad, it made me mad that a person’s attitude could turn my smile into a frown, that I have this need to make everyone around me happy but yet I do not return the favour to myself. I am full of self-doubt. The reinforcement of these doubts are by the people I encounter, and prevents me from finding true happiness. This realisation was prompted when I watched Silver Lining Playbook with Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. Bradley Cooper’s character says a line which has stayed with me, “You have to do everything you can and if you stay positive you have a shot at a silver lining.” What is a Silver Lining? I don’t think Bradley’s character Pat realises the true meaning of this philosophy until the end of the movie. He has an optimistic aim of getting back with his cheating wife throughout the movie; this is driven by the human necessity of staying with the familiar. But only when Pat opened himself to the unfamiliar, the character Tiffany, did he truly find his silver lining: “The only way to beat my crazy was by doing something even crazier. Thank you. I love you. I knew it from the moment I saw you. I’m sorry it took me so long to catch up.”
This taught me that life is about risks, about reaching out for the opportunities life puts in front of you and grabbing them with both hand. So far I have done the best I can, and even though I have always let them slip through my fingers, I can at least say that I have taken a risk and taken the plunge. I guess I’m just going to have to wait for someone to catch me. I think in the end the philosophy behind true happiness is reached through your state of mind. The will to see the positive in everything, being grateful for everything you have and striving to achieve. If you can have someone to share this with then this is an additional bonus that creates the silver lining in your life. I guess like Pat, I’m going to stay positive and wait for life to present me with something that is worth plunging into the unknown for.
The beginning of things, always feels like going to down the rabbit hole. What you might encounter through the journey can be chaotic and unexpected, it is a mirror to life; you don’t know what you will discovery at the end of it. Like in Lewis Carroll’s novel this first post is the beginning of my adventure, where it will take me, I don’t know. All I know is that like Alice I am beginning to ponder my interaction with the world and people around me, and testing them looking for the meaning of everything.
At 21 I feel like I am finally going down the rabbit hole in search of wonderland and my journey to adulthood has begun; my looking-glass has changed and I find myself thinking of the most curious of things and wanting to write them down; and I believe I have found my outlet. Here I plan to write the ‘Curiouser and curiouser’ things in life and see in which side of Wonderland I land.